Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Woke up late, and in school at noon, all by myself. Outside's just stopped pouring, as I watch the rain trickling down the glass windows.
Finally Realized. Understood something as I sat on stage last wed, listening to Pastor Kong preaching. The past 2 years have seemed like a roller-coaster ride to me, yet I've been so immune to it all. Ok, maybe immune would be a wrong word to use; I do feel happy in good times, and sad in times of disappointment. Yet inside, I felt there was some kind of self-mechanism that seemed to have repressed all my hurts and disappointments; that somehow compresses it all and chucks them somewhere at the back of my mind where I can't seem to find, but yet I know it's somewhere around. And as a result, the inability to feel a wider range of emotions seemed to have curbed me from being expressive.
Remembered one of my most vivid recollections, was that on one occasion when I was most down, I called up a friend, and in the state of restraining my tears, I couldn't speak a word, as I found no voice to speak. Meanwhile, I could hear her voice over the phone calling out 'Michelle, is that you? Michelle, are you alright?'. I couldn't reply, and we just held on the phone, in a longest period of silence I ever knew. After what seemed like a long time, she broke the silence, saying, 'Michelle, though I can't hear you, but I can feel your sadness, and it's making me cry', after which I heard her softly sobbing. And this strangely, brought a wave of comfort to me. Since then, I never forgot her though.
Anyway, back to reality. As I sat up there that night, a voice seemed to prompt me, saying "didn't you know Michelle, that all your hurts, disappointments and tears, are kept here with me." And in that instant, I teared as I looked away from the screen. Shouldn't it have struck me before, that all along I've always released my hurts to Him. That my inability to cry, to retaliate, was always coz I knew, that in His time, He'll make things right for me. That vengence was never my call, and never mine to judge nor decide. That 'He has made everything beautiful in His time.' And it's true, coz He has never failed to set things right, even in my worst and most impossible situations, if I were to lean upon His strength, and never mine.
My First Blog Skin! Remembered that the first time I used a blog was out of coincidence. Just graduated from poly and working at NUS at that time, they had a firewall that blocked us from using ICQ. So out of boredom, I was finding ways to communicate with people out of the intranet. Started by using the messaging at G4C website to chat with lewis. And finding it so slow, I used a blog to host a chatbox. Laughs. Gosh, thinking back, what a manual way of messaging it was; having to refresh the blog every 5 seconds to see a reply. Haha...guess desperate situations call for desperate measures yeah. Anyway, working at NUS was a whole of an experience, as it takes ages to even get out of the NUS compounds, coz I was working right at the end of the bus route, near the PGP hostels. And poor lewis, whenever I met him for dinner in town, had to wait for hours at borders. Guess that's one area I have to learn from him yeah, patience. Haha, wondering why I'm recalling all this. Shrugs.
Sigh, lots more that I wanna write, but time's always on the run yeah. Give me some time to put up all the links too. Well, enjoy ur week ahead!
Posted by sOtz at 11:53 am
Monday, November 21, 2005
 A Contrast.  | Laughs. Amused over the email saga Meeshell sent bout the battle over block-booked 3.2; between 5 innocent freshies and her cr8 gang. Haha..poor freshies, wrong move man, coz guess they picked the wrong ppl to offend. Anyway, just finished the last of my presentation today! YeeEEeaaHh! But not without a price of course, laughs. Stayed till like 7+am this morning, went home showered and came back at 9+am. Super, duper tired now, and majorly distracted by a dozen things. Haha, focus sOtz! China, China. Well, been wanting to blog some days back, but have been so tired last week! Lots of preparation for the China trip; gosh, never knew a trip could be that troublesome. From taking flu jabs, to printing chinese name cards, submitting particulars for a dozen stuff, buying suits, stockings and shoes, arranging accommodation. Sigh, do hope the trip's worth it all yeah. *Fell Asleep* |
Posted by sOtz at 4:38 pm
XP Pair Programming! Presentation's finally over! Hurray!
Here's Hazel, Euquin, Big Boss, Me, Xiu Ting and Eunice!
Posted by sOtz at 4:29 pm
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Just thought of blogging after a long day of projects at school! Sigh, hopes everything wd be much better after this week yeah?
Intrigue. Anyway, have this friend at school who always never fails to intrigue me. He always, always seems to have a separate opinion from me, and always engages me in very different conversations from the usual ones you'll always have with your friends over dinner. We can be talking from crazy things like transgender issues, to human patterns, abstract theories, or even just simple stuff like chocolates. Laughs. But I do have to say, he always thinks very deep into issues. Haha..and not to mention, he always goes against the flow, like bidding for very different modules from the ones we're required to bid each term for IS. Strange guy, eh? And interestingly, he always challenges me to do something different too, like taking a different route home each week or something, coz u'll never know what u'll learn along the way. Laughs. Well, anyway this time round we were slogging for our networking presentation, and timed out for dinner. Out of the blue we somehow got on to the topic on relationships, and for the first time, he looked at me seriously and said that I should find a bf soon, so that someone can take care of me. Laughs. Kinda wonders why I hear this statement ever so often, and mostly from guys yeah. Even MrBaggy often says that I need a bodyguard, to which I can't help but laugh. Seriously, do I always give the feeling that I need to be taken care of? And also, it beats me too why this ever interest in my love life? Guess you must be wondering too ya, coz it never fails to be amuse me. Well, just have to say, that contrary to the impression of the haphazard me, I'm learning to be pretty independent yeah! And learning well too! Grins. SO, isn't it about time you changed your perception of me, eh?
Okies, gonna doze off now. Have an early night!
Posted by sOtz at 11:05 pm
Sunday, November 13, 2005
 Where are you, little stone? | Visual Stimulation. Love looking at pictures recently. Not common pictures of people I know, but more of abstract pictures and candid pictures of people, objects, art and especially scenic places! Thus, if there's just one thing my china prof cd commend me on, it was only on my powerpoint slides. Laughs. *Fell Asleep* Again! Ahh! My class was cancelled! Could have slept longer, instead of draggin myself out of bed to shower! Argh. And sorry Merv, for waking you up! Haha..you always sound kinda ditzy in the morning. Anyway, PLEASE tidy up our locker!! It's like a garung guni's warehouse la! And 80% of it's all your stuff! And 2dots! It's all your fault again! The waffles + moose (is it spelt like that? feels like i'm spelling some reindeer's name) + sausages == tons of fats! I'm seriously wondering how to displace all of it. Laughs. Haiz, no more eating k! The next time we should do something healthier instead eh? *In School at 830 without a class* Well, can finally blog more since I'm in school early! On Love. Out of the blue, I was just thinking of what dUm commented some time ago, that the person you are finallywith, more than often may not be the one you love the most. Guess it is a very subjective statement, but not without truth. Guess this statement is only as true to the extend that you can relate to it yeah. Which brings to question, if being with the person you love more, necessarily make you happier? Guess it depends heavily on your acceptance level of satisfaction yeah, coz this happiness would come at a price, given that there would be valid reasons why you aren't with him/her in the first place. Still, on a separate perspective, love isn't just about a list of pros and cons or a cost benefit analysis, is it? It can't be physically quantified yeah, such that a given action would provide this much of added utility. But yet in our minds, sometimes it is logically quantified as such. Haha, well, this is just a glimpse of what goes through my mind in the 3 seconds that the door of the NEL takes to close. Guess there's just too many questions that we each are finding answers to ya. Some answerable, some, maybe not ever in this lifetime. On Love II. Guess love is something ever so hard to define. But probably the best definition would be found back in the Bible ya. Or the most visible, how you would love your family. No matter how they age, grow fatter or skinnier, uglier or prettier, richer or poorer, more loving or quarrelsome, you'll still love them all the same. Yesh, I agree with Meeshell, it's not easy to find someone you can love the same in your lifetime. Guess maybe that's why it's so hard for me to say that I really love someone yeah. Coz the term love is used ever so frivolously; from loving God, to loving ice cream, to loving your friends. See the marked difference? Well, guess for me, real loving makes that one irreplaceable, for a long, long time to come. Stretching so long, that even with tip-toeing, you can barely catch a glimpse of the midway mark. Laughs. And marriage indefinately, would always be a lifetime's irrevocable commitment. Okie dokes, gotta go for class now. Oh, before I forget: Lewis Ho! You are SO mean! Know u're trying to aggravate me to take action! But still, *glares at you*! Laughs. |
Posted by sOtz at 11:07 pm
Saturday, November 12, 2005
Haha, guess what? I thought the nostrils were its eyes! Laughs.
Over! Anyway, so glad my China BSM Pre-trip presentation is over! To me, it was like the most stressful presentation I've ever had, cos my command of business chinese is way below the class average! Laughs. Kinda dread going to China now, coz I'm really not sure how I'm gonna network in Chinese. Haha..guess it's only HK that I'm looking forward to. Oh ya, talking bout that, Gorgeous finally flew back yesterday! Great!
Desserts Addict! 2dots! It's all your fault that I'm falling for every other pie/cake/tira that I see everywhere yeah? Everyone, please nod your heads in agreement. Laughs. Just drank a yummy peppermint mocha and an even yummier mint choc cake from Starbucks after lunch at PS, and feeling all so bloated. Not forgetting that I have yet to wash over the guilt from eating Rice Table + Big Os last night! Ahh, oh dears, no more desserts for me k! Not at least till I get back for Christmas! Haha..told dUmbo that I'm not gonna go to the wedding till I lose all the weight I've put on! Laughs. Need some kind of motivation yeah? Come on, don't laugh at me, I know you just are! Haha...so if u ever see me eating another cake again, scold me BIG time k! Laughs.
*Fell Asleep*
Ahh, I really wanna write more! But each time I blog, I'm just sOOoo..sleepy. Guess it's really boring just to read what I do everyday eh? Even I myself fall asleep over typing it. Laughs. Anyway, will blog sometime soon again. Gotta rush back to school for an 11pm meeting later!
sOtz, stay awake!
Posted by sOtz at 3:05 pm
Monday, November 07, 2005
Sigh, guess I have to learn to like Mondays more yeah, even when it starts way too early at 830am. Gotta be more dilligent, after listening to the service yest yeah. Been both dying with all the projects, yet slacking in small amounts here and there too. Haha..have to focus, focus, focus sOtz! Think the MSN is one BIG distraction ya. The Busy mode doesn't seem to help much anymore now too. Laughs. Well, guess I have to sacrifice that for now! Hmm, also, have to start making headway into the concluding phase of the projects that's been killing me yeah.
Okies, no more crap, get started sOtz!
Posted by sOtz at 6:02 pm
Sunday, November 06, 2005
Stan at the Candy Shop!
Wow! I was just lying my bed, and reading my letter again after blogging, when I got a call from Stanislav all the way from Bulgaria! Gosh, did I get a big surprise! Coz at that same moment I was just thinking about him and Goga! Still dazed from it yeah..laughs. Anyway, he was one of my closest friends back at CP! Still remembered that he was so sad when I was leaving, that he hugged me like three times the day before I left! Haha..he's amazingly funny with his Bulgarian accent too, which makes his voice so distinguishable when I picked up my hp! Laughs. Guess I never knew that he liked me till we played truth and dare over at my apartment during the farewell party. Haha..oh well, guess it's back to mugging time for me!
Posted by sOtz at 10:48 pm
At the Candleshop!
Sigh, missing the times I worked at the candleshop back in summer! From the left is Goga and Jessica, my dear working and slacking counterparts! Goga's the pretty girl from Croatia, while Jessica from Ohio State Uni I think. Missing dear Rose too, who's our beloved candle-maker! Think it's 3X more freezing back in Ohio now compared when I first arrived there, coz she wrote saying that she missed me so much, and the times I was huddling near the hot candle wax vats trying to steal some warmth; coz she's doing the same thing now, except that she's literally hugging the vats now. And that she's missing my laughter and smiles through the cold season now too. Laughs. Missed being able to celebrate Halloween there too, coz we left much to early to. Think Halloween there must have been real fun! Jessica was reassigned to doing carts, and later to Old Time Photo, while Goga stayed at the Candleshop. Goga's written, saying that she's gone back to Croatia too, and starting back at school too. Sigh, missing them too.
Posted by sOtz at 9:55 pm
Friday, November 04, 2005
*BRB*
Posted by sOtz at 2:31 pm
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
Was it you who spoke the words that things would happen but not to me
Oh things are gonna happen naturally
Oh taking your advice I'm looking on the bright side
And balancing the whole thing
But often times those words get tangled up in lines
And the bright lights turn to night
Until the dawn it brings
Another day to sing about the magic that was you and me
Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just read of
Others only read of the love, the love that I love.
See I'm all about them words
Over numbers, unencumbered numbered words
Hundreds of pages, pages, pages forwards
More words then I had ever heard and I feel so alive
You and I, you and I
Not so little you and I anymore
And with this silence brings a moral story
More importantly evolving is the glory of a boy
Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just dream of
And if you could see me now
Well I'm almost finally out of
I'm finally out of
Finally deedeedeedee
Well I'm almost finally, finally
Well I'm free, oh, I'm free
And it's okay if you have go away
Oh just remember the telephone works both ways
And if I never ever hear them ring
If nothing else I'll think the bells inside
Have finally found you someone else and that's okay
Cause I'll remember everything you sang
Cause you and I both loved what you and I spoke of
and others just read of and if you could see now
well I'm almost finally out of.
I'm finally out of, finally, deedeeededede
well I'm almost finally, finally, finally out of words.